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November 9, 2002
When the guard changes...when children become parents to their
parents, loving people are often faced with hard choices. Sometimes
the hard choice is coming to grips with the fact that resources are
inadequate to care for a loved one in the home. The choice of a
nursing facility is a hard choice for some children. Last week I
attempted to address this decision with some practical helps. You
can access that column by going to my web site -
www.FamiliesMatter.net
Perhaps the hardest decision any child has to make is the
decision regarding health care for a parent who is no longer capable
of making the decision for himself/herself. How aggressive do get in
keeping the person breathing? Do you use ventilators? feeding tubes?
At what point do you allow the person to die with dignity?
No one answer will work for all. The best thing to do is to
discuss the issues with your parent when they are in good mental and
physical health. Find out to what extent the parent wants life
extended. Do they want Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation (CPR) including
ventilating machines when resuscitation only serves to postpone the
moment of death? Does the parent want to be fed by an inserted tube
when they are no longer able to feed themselves and will not be able
to return to self feeding? The key is to learn what the parent
wants.
You might then want to have a lawyer draw up a Physician
Directive. This is sometimes called a "Living Will." There
are several types of these available and your lawyer can advise you
as to which will serve your purpose best. Unless this directive is
on file with the County Clerk, it will not be in force.
I was the care-giver for my father for the last six years of his
life. Toward the end of his life, I had to make decisions regarding
his health. It was at that time that I had my lawyer draw up a Power
of Attorney with a Physician's Directive included. This document
charged me with the responsibility of carrying out my father's
wishes in the event he was unable. The responsibility was awesome. I
am glad that I did not have to make life and death decisions for
Dad.
The one cardinal principle is this: The
child is carrying out what their parent wanted, not what the child
or family wants regarding life prolonging measures. Some times the
child is left without specific directions and must try to surmise
what their parent would want done, or not done.
The alternative to deciding what life preserving measures you
want is to leave the choice up to others. Preserving life that lacks
the basic qualities of being able to respond appropriately to
environment may not be in the wishes of the patient. Each of us has
the right to be allowed to die with dignity. This is not euthanasia.
It is the choice, at some point, to cease interfering with the
life-death cycle.
Decisions regarding life-prolonging procedures are not black and
white? They always involve various shades of gray. Physicians,
clergy, and attorneys are just a few of the people in our community
who can help you make sure that you have considered all the issues
before making your choices. As you gather information, the answers
that are right for you and your loved one will become clearer.
My wife and I have made our Physician's Directive with the help
of our lawyer. We have also given one of our children Power of
Attorney to carry out our directive should we be unable to do so.
Our children will not be in a quandary someday trying to decide what
we would want with regard to life-prolonging procedures.
With a Physicians Directive and someone with Power of
Attorney to carry out your wishes, you will keep your children from
having to guess what your wants would be.
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