January 12, 2002

Lack of time is a major source of frustration for couples in the years that they are trying to balance career advancement and child raising. Finding a work-family balance that serves both husband and wife often seems to be elusive. If you find this subject resonating with you as we begin the year 2002, I have some practical suggestions that you may find helpful.

My first suggestion is that you be honest with yourself and your spouse. Identify what are your real priorities. Priorities come in two classifications: 1) things that we want to be first...things we wish were first and 2) things that are first. Keep a log of your hours for the next week. See where your time is going. If you are not happy with what shows up to be your priority, talk with your spouse to see if some reordering of your schedule is possible.

My second suggestion is to plan marital time. Be intentional about spending meaningful time together. My experience is that couples that want to "just let it happen," end up not having time for each other. I am suggesting that you schedule in time for each other and that you honor that time by refusing to let other matters encroach.

Use the time you do have to a better advantage. I rarely find couples who use the fullest potential of the time that they do have. You can improve your togetherness a lot by making the your available time deliver more. Sitting on the couch watching TV is "time together," but it fails to deliver much of what most couples yearn for.

Avoid nagging your spouse about spending more time together. Bring up your concerns periodically at a calm moment, and focus your comments in terms of your hopes for your marriage rather than criticizing your spouse’s priorities.

If the above suggestions do not work, you need to consider the possibility that you have a structural problem with your time use — you have a lifestyle that is inconsistent with the kind of marriage you and your spouse want. If this is your conclusion, then I encourage you to consider a shift in career, or hobby, or some other absorber of your time and energy.

Remember your wedding vows of "forsaking all others..." This could mean forsaking what drains your time and energy. It is not only a sexual affair that threatens marriages, it can be a "time affair" as well.