The 2000 U. S. Census, informed us that 5 million unmarried American couples were living together without benefit of clergy. In addition to this census information, studies by institutions such as Palm Beach Atlantic University estimate that as high as 60 percent of married couples cohabited before marriage.

One explanation of this rather drastic turn from traditional marital customs is the rise in divorce rates and the fear of couples that they will experience the pain of marital breakup. The thinking is, "Let's try living together and see if we are compatible. Let's see if we can live together successfully before launching into a full blown marriage."

There is a certain logic to the above thinking. A person would not buy a pair of shoes before trying them on, so why go to the expense, financial and emotional, of a marriage before trying it out to see if there is a "fit."

Unfortunately, the data that is coming in from such sources as Dr. David Olson's work at the University of Minnesota does not support this pop-logic. In fact, rather than increasing the likelihood of marital permanence, cohabiting before marriage increases the odds of divorce by as much as six times.

Cohabiting couples often believe that they are in "training for marriage," when in fact they are perfecting exit strategies for getting out of relationships including their marriage.

There is an interesting sidebar coming in from these university sponsored studies of the marital/cohabiting scene. It seems that there is no difference between women who describe themselves as "very religious" and those who do not in their likelihood to cohabit before marriage. On the other hand, men who describe themselves as "very religious" were much less likely to cohabit before marriage than non-religious men.

Does this mean that the religious commitment of men runs to deeper levels than that of the commitment of women? From my 41 years as a pastor, I would say, "no." I think the explanation is more likely to be found in our culture's expectation of women and men.

There is a classic line in the movie, "As Good As It Gets" that shows our culture's expectancy. Helen Hunt, who plays a single mom is on a date with Jack Nicholson, who plays a neurotic writer. She says, "Give me a compliment or I am walking out!" He thinks long and hard and says, "Since I met you, I take my anti-psychotic pills." And she says, starting to leave, "What kind of a compliment is that?" "You," Nicholson says, "make me want to be a better man," to which Hunt replies, "That is the nicest compliment I have ever had." 

The message our culture gives to little girls as they grow into adulthood is, "it is up to you to make good men out of sorry ones." We all know that "behind every successful man is a good woman." No wonder the institution of marriage and the ill-thought-out experiment of cohabitation is in such trouble. Relationships were never intended for reformation.

Dear readers (especially my feminine readers) I speak you a parable: "If you want to make chicken salad, you have to start with a chicken. You will never make chicken salad if you start with a tuna fish."