May 12, 2001

For a couple of weeks now we have been thinking together about intimacy - its importance and its paradox. The paradox is that though we need closeness with another person, we are anxious about letting another person get "too close." Some fights have as their purpose, keeping the other at arm's length and avoiding intimacy.

Today I want us to think together about sexuality in the over all context of intimacy. Mention the word "intimacy" and immediately sex comes to mind. In fact, "intimacy" and sexual intercourse are, in some circles, synonymous. But sex and intimacy are different. Sex can be used to brutalize - witness war time policies of rape used to humiliate a conquered people. Sex can be an act of selfish gratification at the expense of another rather than its intention by the Creator.

God intended that our sexuality would create bonding and promote intimacy. The term used in the Old Testament for sexual intercourse is the word "know." It is possible to experience sex and there not be much knowing...not much getting through to the other person.

Hopping into bed with another person does not give instant intimacy. Sexual activity that is not attached to commitment and care for the partner leads to alienation - not intimacy. Even within marriage, sex does not guarantee intimacy. Marriage does, however, offer the best context in which sexual activity can become sexual intimacy - in which there can be knowing and being known.

Sex is a powerful, dynamic element for intimacy in a relationship. Sex obviously serves a reproductive function, but most sexual experiences between husbands and wives serve to aid in a sense of intimacy rather than reproduction. While sexual intimacy is not the most important element in a marriage it is important! When sex is fulfilling to both partners, it occupies a small percent of what is good about that marriage. When sex is bad, it becomes the battle ground for a large percent of what is wrong within the marriage.

Unresolved conflicts in other areas find their way into the bedroom. If there is little or no closeness in other areas of the marriage, there will be little closeness in sexual activity. If the only time a couple touch each other is during sexual embrace, what they are saying is, "I really don't like you very much."

Improvement in your sexual fulfillment can, in most cases be accomplished, not by focusing on sex, but by focusing on increasing intimacy in other areas such as touching, being with, sharing verbally what you are feeling. The closeness that is felt in the restaurant, the kitchen, or the living room will follow you into the bedroom. Sexual intimacy or lack there of is a reflection of the couple's TOTAL intimacy.

Over the years, sexual activity changes. Frequency of sexual activity usually declines over the years. Many couples, however, discover that sexual intimacy increases with age. The pleasures of touching and snuggling become deeply satisfying as well as sexual intercourse.

Identity and a sense of importance are fostered by sexual intercourse into retirement years. Satisfying sexual experiences give a couple a sense of unity, and increase their enjoyment of life together. Sexual intimacy is powerful and affirming when experienced in the context of a loving marital relationship.