March 17, 2001

A quality sexual sharing is a common thread that seems to weave itself through long-lasting, happy marriages. It is a cherished bond that a couple can share throughout the marriage. Their sexual satisfaction indirectly affects most other areas of the relationship. When sex is good in a marriage, it represents about 10% to 15% of what is good in the marriage. But when sex is bad in a marriage, it represents about 85% to 90% of what is bad in the marriage.

When a marriage ends in divorce, sexual deprivation is common, and in most cases has occurred over a lengthy time. Many couples who divorce describe their sexual relationship as never having been good, mechanical, or satisfying to only one partner. In these kinds of situations sexual relationship often becomes a tool for control.

In fulfilling marriages, sexual sharing is closely connected with feeling loved, appreciated, and cared for. Kisses in the kitchen, hugs on the doorstep, tenderness in the den are preludes to sexual pleasure being given and received in the bedroom. When other rooms of the house are theaters of intimate conversation, and tender touches, the bedroom becomes a sanctuary for romance.

Jim Anglin (ACME Journal, p. 11, July/Aug. 1997), retired family counselor has identified three stages of sexual love. The ATTRACTION STAGE is the first stage when couples are drawn together and begin forming bonds. This stage progresses best when the couple moves to marriage and they share in their first sexual experience. Individuals who are in this stage experience specific physical body changes when their mate enters the room - increase heart rate, rapid breathing and a general feeling of well being. The attraction stage usually lasts about two years.

The next stage is the ATTACHMENT STAGE which continues for many years and includes the child rearing period. Frequency of sexual activity during this stage decreases and many times is very low. It is important for couples in this stage to maintain sexual contact and at least share physical touches each day. During this period, there is not an increase of heart rate and breathing when their mate enters the room but the couple experience a real sense of peace and well-being when together.

The third stage of sexual love is the ADORATION STAGE. The comfort level remains the same as in the attachment stage, but the excitement level is heightened again. Couples have more time for each other now that the children have left home and there is privacy all over the house. This sexual renewal can last well into the mature years for those couples who have worked in the earlier stages to make a durable, satisfying marriage.

The following are suggestions to help you keep the sexual potential of your marriage on track during the attachment stage:

1. Take time for physical contact daily (flirting, hugs, kisses, etc.).

2. Maintain high sexual energy levels by looking and feeling your best (exercise, healthy diet, rest, good hygiene).

3. Maintain the sanctity of the marital bedroom.

4. Make your best attempt to meet each other’s sexual desires whenever possible. Break routines when practical.

Some studies indicate that half of all married couples experience some form of sexual dysfunction during the life of their marriage. Most of these problems can be easily treated. If you would like the name of a Christian counselor who specializes in helping couples achieve the sexual potential of their marriage, call me at 938-6681.

Remember, sex is not just a fringe benefit, it is a vital energy that can nourish a relationship throughout the marriage. And the best of all is that God thought it up. It is His good gift.