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Hollie Atkinson's column appears in the
Marshall
News Messenger every Saturday morning.
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July 26, 2003
James Dobson, at the time, Assistant Professor of Child Development at the
University of southern California school of Medicine, was a prophet when he
said: "...whenever the keys to self-esteem are seemingly out of reach for a
large percentage of the people, as in twentieth-century America, then
widespread mental illness, neuroticism, hatred, alcoholism, drug abuse,
violence, and social disorder will certainly occur. Personal worth is not
something human beings are free to take or leave. We must have it and when it
is unattainable, everybody suffers" (Hide or Seek, 1974).
I am convinced that none of us can have a sense of personal worth without the
help of others. If no one else in my sphere of acquaintances values me, it will
be impossible for me to value myself. I can say all the words - "I am good
because God doesn't make junk." - "I am special." "I am unique." "Look all the
world over, there is no one like me." But if no one else affirms my worth, I
won't believe the words coming from my mouth.
Dobson says that parents are the primary sponsors for a child's worth. When you
affirm a child, you must not flatter. Flattery will be seen for what it is, a
lie. Affirmation is finding that which is done well - that which is genuinely
appreciated, and calling attention to it.
Friends are also a valuable source of positive self regard. Surround yourself
with positive, upbeat friends. Seek to be positive yourself. Avoid criticism.
Give your friends the "benefit of doubt." Know that others need you to sponsor
their self-worth by your affirmation.
Beware of trying to base your worth on achievement, looks, or approval of
others. Some of these may serve in the short run, but in the end they will fail
as a basis for worth. Ultimately worth must be grounded in the creating grace
of God.
Though I am convinced that none of us can achieve a sense of self worth without
feedback from significant others, there are some things each of us can do that
tends to increase self-esteem. These are not "quick fixes." They are not
something that can be done for a couple of months and forgotten. What I am
suggesting involves a life style. Practice them for a lifetime and they will
increase you sense of self-worth.
FIRST, DO MORE THAN YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET BY. Are you an employee? Come to work
early and leave late. Do extra work that is not required to keep your job. Are
you an employer? Pay your employees more than you have to. Cover them with
health insurance. Be generous. Are you a student? Do more than just enough to
get by. Study more than what is required by the instructor. Jesus had something
to say about this: "If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two
miles" Matthew 5:41. Doing more than is required increases your sense of
self-esteem.
SECOND, SERVE SOMEONE WHO CANNOT REPAY YOU. Volunteers in our community have
learned this secret. People who volunteer in our schools, hospital, and service
clubs have a pay off - they have an improved sense of worth. Serving, however,
need not be an organized effort. Find someone who needs something you can do
and serve them. And don't broadcast your efforts. If you do, your service loses
its power to boost your self-worth. Jesus had something to say about this also:
"But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right
hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret" Matthew 6:3.
THIRD, DON'T PARTICIPATE IN SELF-BASHING. I have known people who terribly hard
on themselves. They were constantly verbalizing their self-hatred. You may not
be able to control your feelings, but you can refuse to translate those
feelings into spoken words. Refuse to "beat yourself up." You may have done
something wrong or poorly, but constant bashing will serve only cause you to
repeat your offense and lower your self-esteem.
Seek to make the above three suggestions a lifestyle and surround yourself with
positive people. You will notice your self-esteem improving over the months and
years.
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