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Hollie Atkinson's column appears in the
Marshall
News Messenger every Saturday morning.
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FAMILIES MATTER
July 12, 2003
My friend Frank Pennington, from Houston, was sporting a wrist watch with a
piece of cellophane tape over the crystal. On the tape was the numbers, "99-1."
I knew that Frank wanted me to ask about the cryptic meaning of the numbers,
and I expected an answer something like, "There may be 99 who are safely in
your church, but you need to be concerned about the one who is away from the
fold."
Frank's answer was a surprise. "Every time I look at my watch it reminds me,"
he said, "that I need to give ninety-nine compliments for each criticism. I
have been having trouble relating to my oldest daughter, Melissa. She is really
a wonderful creation of God, but all I have been able to see lately is what is
wrong with her. I am amazed that when I look for things to compliment there are
a lot of them. And I have noticed that when I look for the good about Melissa,
the little annoying things become just that---little."
The Institute of Family Relations, in a survey, asked parents how many negative
versus positive comments they made to their children. Results? They criticized
ten times for every favorable comment. In one Florida city, teachers were found
to be 75% negative. The Institute of Family Relations folk learned that it
takes four positive statements to a child from a teacher/parent to offset the
affects of one negative statement.
The only thing about the survey that surprised me was the conclusion that you
can erase the affects of a critical remark with four positive affirming
statements. My observation is that it takes more than four praises to offset a
stinging criticism. My friend Frank Pennington, known for his excesses, thought
it would take ninety-nine.
SUGGESTION: Put a piece of cellophane tape on your watch crystal. Pick a number
between four and ninety-nine and write it on your watch crystal followed by
"-1". Let this be your personal ratio of positive vs. negative comments to be
given to your children or spouse. Put a rubber band on your wrist and give your
self a big pop when you get out of your ratio. WARNING - Be careful not to make
your compliment number too high. A high ratio of compliments to criticisms
could put you out of criticism business. And where would your family and
friends be without the benefit of your critical assessments?
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