"A POLITE REFUSAL IS BETTER THAN A RUDE GRANT." This motto sat on my desk for 15 years as a constant reminder to me that everyone was deserving of respect, regardless of their position in the power structures of our society.

A great deal of anger is created when help is given only after diminishing the person receiving the help. It does something to our sense of self-esteem when we are not able to take care of ourselves or our families and have to ask others for help. When I would offer help from our church, it was always straight up or down. If I was able to help, I did so joyfully and did not want groveling gratitude in return. If I was unable to help, I simply declined without belittling the person seeking help.

That is the way I like for people to treat me. If I ask a favor, I like for the person to do it joyfully or simply decline. I hate it when someone does something for me and then lets me know by posture or tone of voice that I am imposing upon them. If what I ask is an imposition that will be resented, I prefer a polite refusal. I love it when someone does a favor for me and makes me feel that they are happy to have had an opportunity to help.

Family compassion and willingness to help can be abused. When this happens, the best recourse is a polite refusal without commentary. When the family helps beyond willingness, the result is anger toward the abuser until eventually there is emotional and physical cutoff. It is better to politely refuse to help when the help cannot be given joyfully.

An elderly widow once said: "I have two daughters who take turns coming to clean my house. Jean leaves everything sparkling but she makes me feel that I'm an awful burden to her. But when Mary comes, she makes everything so cheery and makes me feel she loves to be with me. They are both Christians, but there's a great difference. Mary has what the world needs---a loving heart."

There is a great need in families today for members with "loving hearts."