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February 22, 2003
"Parenting is the art of working yourself out of a job." I don't
know where I found that quote, but it ought to be on the refrigerator door of
every young parent.
Think of parenting this way. Early on you are a checkbook and your children
are writing checks for all of their needs - clothing, food, shelter,
entertainment. Later in your child's life you become a savings account. Your
child occasionally makes withdrawals for emergencies and big ticket items like
college. Then you become a loan officer. Your child is an adult and on his/her
own but may in times of crises arrange for a loan. Loans differ from checks and
savings withdrawals in that they are to be paid back.
No child can claim to have arrived at adulthood until the relationship with
parents has evolved into that of "loan officer."
Several weeks ago, I wrote three or four columns on lifes passages:
"Are you ready - to date - get engaged - get married - to have children?
You can read these columns on my web site - Today, I want to asked parents:
"ARE YOU READY TO LET GO?" Early on, the parent's task is to
"hover" over the child. Human young cannot survive without years of
hovering. The problem is that we parents become so proficient in the task of
"hovering" that letting go is to remove us from a huge reason for our
existence. I have even known of "hovering" becoming a substitute for
relating to a spouse.
Warning: Don't hover too long. Hovering that is intended to protect can in
the end suffocate. The hovering hand can become the crippling hand if it
clutches and clings too long. Hovering that makes young children steady is
likely to make the mature child shaky and unsure of themselves. Are you ready
to let go?
If you knew that your child had to be totally self-sufficient (economically,
socially, physically) by age 22, what skills would you be trying to engender in
him/her today? Are you getting ready to let go?
Somewhere in the back of my mind is a "saying of the wise:"
"If you love someone, set them free. If they return to you, you possess
them twice. If they do not, you never possessed them once." Are you ready
to let go?
He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sunrise.
- William Blake
The best thing you can do to insure that you will be "ready to let
go" when the time comes is to work on your relationship with your spouse.
Couples who are involved in a growing marriage are not frightened by the
prospect of the empty nest.
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