September 8, 2001

What do you do when you find yourself in a life you didn’t choose, or in a life you did choose, but at the time of making the choice, you did not fully realize the full extent of the consequence?

Being a single parent is not a life that many choose. Of course, there are "the rich and famous" who consciously choose to conceive and raise a child alone. I think their assumption must be that the only down sides to single parenting are financial hardship and fatigue (being the only one to care for the child). With money unlimited, a live-in nanny can be employed to help with the parenting task and poverty never was an issue.

Most single parenting, however, is a life in which folk find themselves either because of the choice of their mate (he/she decided to leave) or because of the destructive nature of a relationship, the choice was made to leave to keep from being destroyed, or because of a premarital choice (choosing to become sexually active before marriage). So what do you do when you find your self in a life you didn’t choose? I have a word of grace and hope for you if this is you - "You choose life in a life you didn’t choose."

First a word of hope and then a word of explanation. Single parents can and often do a wonderful job of parenting. The fruit is a child that launches into adulthood with a reasonable expectancy of success. Jesus was raised in a single parent home and he "turned out all right." The last mention of Joseph’s presence in the life of Jesus was when he was twelve (Luke 2:41-52), leading to the theory that Joseph died sometime after, leaving Jesus, the oldest son to care for the family.

So, what is meant by the statement, "Choose life in a life you didn’t choose?" It means to make choices that move toward life for the family rather than toward destruction. It begins by admitting that help is needed. No one need try to raise a child alone. Even couples need help outside themselves in their parenting - extended families - close friends - churches - teachers - teams - scouts - etc.

Sometimes there is the resource of the non-custodial parent. That parent needs to participate in the care of the child by personal involvement as well as by financial contribution. Two reasonably mature adults can work out arrangements whereby children of divorce have connection with both parents. The key to this statement is the phrase, "two reasonably mature."

When the non-custodial parent cannot be counted on, then help needs to be sought elsewhere. Help for a caring adult relationship rarely comes from boyfriends or girlfriends. There are too many self serving motivations for the relationship likely to be genuine. The best help often comes from grandparents or from aunts and uncles. When these are not available, couple friends, church leaders, coaches, scout leaders, teachers, etc. are available to those who choose life in a life they did not choose, i.e. those who choose to be involved in life, giving to as well as taking from.

I like the East Texas proverb, "When you see a turtle sitting on a fence post, you know he had help getting there." When you see a youngster successfully launched into life, whether from a single-parent home or a coupled-parent home, you know those parents had some help. Choosing life when you are in a life you didn’t choose requires elevating the needs of children ahead of your own for that period in your life. And five or ten years down the road you will be glad you chose life.