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Hollie Atkinson's column appears in the
Marshall
News Messenger every Saturday morning.
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September 13, 2003
Once you are a parent, you never leave that relationship, but the role changes.
The way parents relate to their children must change if the family is to remain
healthy and functioning.
Worrying about, praying for, and being lovingly connected to your child does
not change. A mother who lost her son in a fight with cancer said to me,
"Nothing hurts like losing your child. I have lost parents, sisters, and even a
husband, but none of those losses hurts like losing a son." Her son would have
been seventy years old had he lived another week.
So how, and in what ways do the roles between parents and children change as
the child moves from infancy into adulthood? The fifth commandment that God
gave to Moses on Mt. Sinai was, "Honor your father and your mother, so that you
may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you" Exodus 20:12. But,
what does "honor" mean?
Our English word "honor" translates the Hebrew word kabad which means in its
most literal sense "to weigh heavy." The Septuagint translators of the Old
Testament chose the Greek word, timao to translate this verse. Timao means "to
set a high value upon."
How a child honors, or "sets a high value upon" his/her parents changes with
advancing birthdays. When a child is still having his/her daily financial and
emotional needs met by a parent or parents, the word "honor" means to obey.
Children who are still dependent upon their parents owe to their parents
obedience.
When a child reaches the place in life that he/she no longer depends upon the
parent for daily emotional and economic support, then the word "honor" becomes
respect, not obedience. There is a wonderful time in life when the parent and
child are two adults who love and respect each other.
And if the life cycle continues, the parent becomes the one who must have basic
needs met by the child. Financial affairs are monitored or taken care of by the
adult child. Decisions are made for the parent by the child.
"The changing of the guard" is much easier when there has been a good, warm,
mutual respect during the adult-to-adult years of the parenting cycle. This is
a time when "honor" means to care for. A key for those moving into their later
senior years is planning - planning for living accommodations, transportation,
etc. Talk with your lawyer about some kind of a "living will" to insure that
your wishes are carried out.
Taken in its most basic sense, this commandment says that it is God's will that
we weigh our parents heavy - that we recognize their great worth. Next week I
will address the issue of what to do when a child is in the home of an abusive
parent.
I leave you today on a lighter note. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that
said, "Be nice to your kids! They are going to choose your nursing home."
Hollie Atkinson is Co-Director of Families Matter, Inc., a service corporation.
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