Hollie Atkinson's column appears in the Marshall
News Messenger every Saturday morning.

June 23, 2001

I want to recommend a book to you - "The Five Love Languages of Children," by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. The authors identify five ways parents communicate love to their children: PHYSICAL TOUCH, AFFIRMATION, QUALITY TIME, GIFT GIVING, and ACTS OF SERVICE.

Chapman’s and Campbell’s premise is that all of us need not only to be loved, but we need to feel that we are loved and valued by significant others in our lives - particularly family. When a person is loved, but they don’t feel loved, it is like not being loved at all.

A "love tank" is what the authors posit as being in each of us. When a child feels deeply loved and greatly valued, this tank is filled to over flowing. The less love they feel, the emptier their tank is.

Children register "empty" on the gage of their "love tanks" with problem behaviors and attitudes. Could it be that much of the behavior problems being experienced in our schools are coming from children who are arriving at school with empty "love tanks?"

Can a child who is deeply loved and greatly valued not feel it? If so, how can that be? I believe it is not only possible, but commonplace. Here is the way it happens. A parent who grew up with physical want, who did without presents at birthdays and Christmas, works long hours at perhaps more than one job to be able to say "I love you" to his child by GIFT GIVING. His child, however, speaks the language of QUALITY TIME. The child feels loved best, not with gifts given, but with time spent. In order to provide gifts, the parent doesn’t have time to spend time with the child.

All of us, including our children, like to be told that we are loved in all of the five languages, but one of the languages will be more important to each individual child. When parents become fluent in their child’s primary love language, noticeable improvements will be seen in attitudes and behaviors.

Children will provide clues as to what language is the most important to them. Children who do a lot of hugging are expressing love in their primary language - PHYSICAL TOUCH. Children who like to wrap and give presents --- to make pictures and say, "I made this just for you," are indicating that their preferred love language is GIFT GIVING.

Children who "feel" deeply loved and greatly valued are more likely to reach their potential for good in the world. One of the most important things parents can do for their child is to meed their emotional need for love. And one of the best ways to meet a child’s need for love is to learn to speak the language they long to hear.