Two Saturdays before Mother's Day, I addressed the subject of "talking in such a way that your spouse would listen." click to read

I want to turn that around today and address the matter of "listening so that your spouse or child will talk." If you have trouble getting a spouse or child to talk with you, the problem may reside in your listening rather than in your family members lack of communication skills.

The skills needed to communicate well can be divided into two parts, SENDING and RECEIVING. Today I want to address what I judge to be the more difficult of the two - RECEIVING. Two weeks ago, I addressed the "sending" part of communication.

In my judgment, being a good receiver of messages is more difficult than being a good sender. I have written several times in this column about the art of being a good listener. Listening is more than simply maintaining polite silence while rehearsing what you will say when you can "put your two cents worth" in.

Good listeners are concerned with two tasks: 1) They must understand what the speaker is saying. They need to "crawl into the other persons skin" and feel what the speaker is feeling. 2) They must encourage the speaker to continue talking. Good listening means letting your eyes light up - raising your eyebrows - expressing interest verbally like, "Oh, wow!" "Is that right?" "Are you serious?" "How about that!" Spouses and children tend to keep talking to anyone whom they think is interested in them and what they have to say.

The following suggestions for improving listening skills comes from Drs. Genie and Preston Dyer in their book The Language of Married Love. The Dyers teach in the sociology department at Baylor University.

1. Create an environment for listening. Turn off the TV, remove books or news papers from your hands. Minimize the possibility of interference.

2. Give your full attention to your partner. Face your partner, maintain eye contact and touch when appropriate.

3. Refrain from offering advice or criticisms that stops the other's expression.

4. Avoid use of "Why?" Ask "how," "what," "where," or "when" questions. Ask questions to increase understanding but never to fix blame.

5. Check in with your partner occasionally to see if you are understanding. Use phrases/questions like: "I understand you to be saying...," "Are you saying...," or "I am understanding that you think..."

6. Listen for feelings behind the words. Be aware of your partners feelings. Accept those feelings even if you are in disagreement. Failure to be aware of feelings behind the words is often a major hindrance to understanding.

In our church, we have a service of affirmation called the "Laying on of Hands." What is needed in our homes is a "laying on of ears." The next time you want to give a gift to someone and know that the gift will be appreciated, give the gift of listening.