June 2, 2001

WORDS ARE IMPORTANT! Dolores Curran surveyed seventy-five fourth and fifth graders (Traits of a Healthy family, 1983) to discover the five all-time favorite words they most liked to hear from Mother. Those all-time favorite words? - "I love you." "Yes." "Time to eat." "You can go." "You can stay up late." Other honorable mentions are: "I'll help you." "How was your day?" "I'm glad I have you." "Hi, I'm home!" "I'm sorry." "Let's go for a walk."

It is not always possible to say words that our children like to hear. I am, however, suspicious that we don't say words they like to hear nearly often enough. Years ago, a relative was describing the difference between her mother and her dad: "Mom says, 'No!' unless she can think of three reasons why she ought to say 'Yes.' Dad says, 'Yes!' unless he can think of three reasons why he has to say 'No.'" What a commentary. Which parent do you think all us kids wanted to be with? Don't jump to conclusions about this father. He could be very firm with his "no." It is just that he would rather say yes when he could.

This summer families will have lots of great opportunity to interact with children while they are out of school. Before giving an answer to a request, try REAL LISTENING. Real listening means letting your eyes light up - raising your eyebrows - expressing interest verbally like, "Oh, wow!" "Is that right?" "Are you serious?" "How about that!" Children tend to keep talking about a subject that they think someone is interested in...is actually listening to them. They will feel honored, valued and warm right down to their toes.

And when you have to deny that for which they have asked? Your denial will be seen civil if it comes after you have really listened. Here is a great motto for all parents: "A CIVIL DENIAL IS BETTER THAN A RUDE GRANT."

Let this be a summer of listening in your family.