May 5, 2001

Barriers to intimacy can be built over the years of a marriage. Last week I identified some of the barriers I see when couples come to me: business, unresolved anger, being out of touch with feelings, and poor communication skills. If barriers have been in place long enough, bridges will need to be constructed before the barriers can be removed. Again, I am indebted to Dr. Sarah Catron, former ACME national president, for the thoughts I want to share.

Building bridges to connect people who are sometimes far apart...it is a worthy project. The following suggestions can help you get started.

A good place to begin is to IDENTIFY AND RECOGNIZE THE INTIMACY that already exists in the relationship. Start constructing the intimacy that you want on the foundation of closeness that you presently enjoy. Share the satisfaction and pleasure you have in times of closeness.

WORK TO BUILD SELF-ESTEEM in each other. Genuine closeness comes from two people who feel good about themselves as human beings. Express appreciation for efforts made at coming together. Affirm one another as sexual partners.

STRIVE TO CLEAR UP PAST RESENTMENTS that have developed in the relationship. Try to look behind the anger to deeper feelings that have triggered it. Avoid blaming and attacking.

Learn to share your feelings using "I MESSAGES." "I feel unloved," is preferable to "You don't love me." "You messages" are experienced as an attack and create defensiveness.

LISTENING IN ORDER TO UNDERSTAND your partner is equally as important as sharing. As you listen focus on feelings what your partner is having. Attempt to understand. Don't judge! When you avoid judging, you will be encouraging each other to take risks in sharing.

LOOK FOR NEW WAYS TO EXPRESS YOUR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER. Find out what actions make your spouse feel especially loved. Complete this statement and share it with each other: "I feel loved when you..."

SET ASIDE TIME for each other. Allow time for physical, sexual pleasure. Cultivate an atmosphere of celebration. One of the best gifts you can give to your partner is the gift of your time...your undivided attention. Arrange your commitments so that your marriage gets prime time and energy.

NOTE SOME SPECIFIC ACTION that each can take that will build bridges of intimacy. The action needs to be specific. It needs to be something that can be done immediately. Make a date to check on progress.

Intimacy - the banishing of loneliness - is one of the reasons for the creation of marriage. Scripture speaks to this reason in Genesis 2:18: "The LORD God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.'" There is no loneliness in all the world like "married loneliness." It does not have to be!

Most marriages can achieve a deeper level of intimacy than they are experiencing. By removing barriers to closeness and building bridges of connection, couples can enjoy an authentic, intimate marriage. You may find that not only do you like the product, but you enjoy the creation process as well.