April 28, 2001

The last couple of weeks I have been addressing the issue of intimacy. How close do we want to be to our spouse? The response I have received from these articles is at least partly to be explained by our want for...need for warmth from another. It may also be saying that we want more togetherness than we are experiencing. So, what is keeping us from moving toward each other? In her pamphlet, Creating Intimacy, Sarah Catron lists several barriers to being close to another person. If we take the time to look at barriers to intimacy, perhaps we can figure out ways to remove them.

The great barrier to intimacy in our town is BUSYNESS. We are simply too busy to be close. With most of our families being two-paycheck families, husbands and wives pass like ships in the night. There is hardly recognition of the other's presence. At best we bid each other "good night" like distant fog horns. We are careful lest the ships "bump into each other." Most of the time we are too preoccupied...too tired...too stressed out to feel close to another. And we are not too inviting of closeness either. No one wants to get close to a porcupine!

Family counselor, David Mace used to say that the culprit behind the failure to achieve intimacy was ANGER, or better, UNRESOLVED ANGER. When someone hurts you, the normal reaction is to pull away. Anger then sets in. Even though the anger is not resolved, the two people may move toward each other again. This time they are not willing to move as close to each other as they were before. They will come together, drawn by need for human warmth, and one will give the other a "psychological pinch." They will again pull apart. Their anger remains unresolved and this time, as before, they will risk even less closeness. Now multiply that across eight, ten, or fifteen years of marriage and what do you have? You have two people who share a roof, a bank account and little else unless it is a burdensome credit card debt.

Being OUT-OF-TOUCH with your feelings is another barrier to intimacy. How can you share what is going on with you when you are not aware yourself? The touchstone of intimacy is sharing at a feeling level. If you are not aware of your feelings, how can you share them with another?...even if you want to? It is possible to insulate yourself against being hurt so successfully that you close yourself off from your feelings. Try this exercise: Sit with eyes closed and try to "listen" to what your body is telling you. Are you comfortable/uncomfortable? hot/cold? content/depressed? tired/rested? What is your body telling you about what you are feeling? Own your feelings. Don't deny them. If you are angry, admit it. If your feelings are hurt, say so. Denying your feelings pushes them beyond your ability to get in touch.

POOR COMMUNICATION SKILLS is another barrier to intimacy. Sharing our feelings using "you-messages" will be experienced by our partner as an attack and will invite defensiveness. A you-message is "you don't love me!" A better way is to use "I-messages." An I-message is "I feel unloved." The I-message shares your feeling without attacking your spouse. Not being attacked, he/she is more likely to respond without becoming defensive. Trying to share feelings using you-messages is like trying to put a fire out by dousing it with gasoline. Poor communication skills often leads to a couple's moving farther away from each other while trying deal with anger or share feelings.

If you recognize barriers to intimacy that exist in your marriage, see if you can devise ways of removing them. Talk with your spouse and secure his/her help in the project.