January 26, 2002

Is your marriage destined for the divorce court now that the "sparkle" has gone out of your relationship? Or maybe, is your marriage doomed to "lack luster" because you married for many (if not all) of the wrong reasons - to cover a pre-marital pregnancy, because the clock was ticking, because you needed someone to lean upon, etc.?

My definition of "sparkling marriages" are those marriages that meet the needs of both partners for warmth and closeness. These are marriages where both partners enjoy the company of the other.

And my presupposition about "sparkling marriages" is that they are created by two people who work at growing together. I am aware that my presupposition flies in the face of what our culture holds up - sparkling marriages happen between two people who create sparks when they are in each other’s presence.

Many, following our culture’s concept, figure they need a new "striker" for their flint stone when the sparkle goes out. They thus sentence themselves to a life time of revolving partners in an attempt to create a marriage that sparkles.

There is another option for marriages that have lost their "sparkle" or that never sparkled from the beginning - create sparkle in your present marriage. If you are interested in the "how to," read on. I have several suggestions to try.

FIRST of all there has to be "intentionality." Two people must want to make their marriage sparkle. Sparkling marriages are like the Tango — it takes two. Two people wanting their marriage to deliver closeness and warmth is an absolute necessity as a beginning point.

Couples who are intentional about growth in their marriages go to marriage conferences, they read books on various issues faced by families, they watch videos, they become members of support groups, etc. How long has it been since you did something specifically designed to create growth in your marital relationship, improve your communication skills, better your ability to resolve conflict, cultivate intimacy, enrich your togetherness? How long? Well, that is too long if you intend to be intentional about growth!

When two people are intentional about the sparkle returning to their marriage, they can ENGAGE IN LOVING BEHAVIORS. A loving behavior is a behavior that would be in place if our marriage sparkled. We don't have a lot of power over our feelings, but we do have huge amounts of power over our actions. We can decide to act in accord with or in spite of our feelings.

My point is this: act the way you want to feel. Do you want sparkle in your marriage? Then do those things you would do if your marriage had pizzazz: act as though you were interested in what has happened in your spouse's life since you were last together, do little acts of caring that say to your spouse "I love you." Surprise your spouse with a special piece of you each week.

You don't have to trash your marriage because the sparkle is gone. Determine to act lovingly toward your spouse and feelings of love will return. Apply loving behaviors to your marriage for six months. If the sparkle does not return, call me at my office and we will talk about it.