February 15, 2003

Some time back I clipped an article from the September 2002 edition of the "Reader's Digest" on friendship, thinking I would some day write about the values and benefits of friends . My focus on friendship and its attendant benefit to our general health began in 1969 with my introduction to "The Emotional Patterns of Living, Avoiding Neurotic Patterns" by two psychiatrists: English and Pearson - their first names escape me. English and Pearson contended that an investment in friendships was an investment in your mental health.

Some of the benefits of friendship touted by Katherine Griffin are: increases your chances of surviving life-threatening illnesses, stronger immune systems (the more friends you have, the fewer colds you have), improved mental health, and longer life. In her article, she quotes several studies to support her claims.

While I haven't made any studies, I have, over the years of helping families, made some observations. And my observations tend to validate Griffin's article. I have noticed that, generally, people who get into mental or relational trouble, have little or no social network. There have been exceptions to this statement, but it stands as a generalization.

The likelihood of a family or individual being strong and resilient is enhanced by the number of relational entities that support them. In other words, families or individuals that have a large network of relationships - friends, faith communities, valued neighbors, work associates, extended family - are more likely to be strong, resilient, etc.

The answer is for families and individuals to realize that the time, energy, and money that is required to develop supporting networks is an investment in our well being. Friends are more than a luxury. They are a necessity. We depend upon friends for love, approval, encouragement, and at times straight advice. Friends are important, not for what they can give us, but because of what inevitably comes back to us when we give ourselves to them.

There is a passage in Proverbs (18:24) that reads (in the King James Version): "A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly..." While this is probably not the best translation from the original Hebrew language of the Old Testament, it is a truism supported by common sense. If you want to have friends, begin by being a friend.

Watch out for the tendency to criticize your friends. In most cases it would be better for your emotional well-being to be more magnanimous and socially tolerant toward your friends. Friendship calls upon human beings to cherish each other. The capacity to overlook the faults in others is a wonderful attribute.

Having friends requires an output of time, energy, forgiveness, and even money. Friendships will not remain alive indefinitely without effort and care. That which is derived from friendship in terms of personal and marital well being is well worth whatever cost is incurred.

Here are some tips for staying connected with your friends that I gleaned from Katherine Griffin's article: 1) Stop feeling guilty that you don't have as much time to spend with your friends and use e-mail, and cheap long-distance calls to stay in touch when you have small bits of time. 2) Schedule a "Friends Time Out" - say one night per month to catch up with your pals. And, 3) Try to "be there" for key events in your friends' lives, or the lives of their children - weddings, graduations, funerals. Your presence will make a difference!