So, you have successfully negotiated the passages of dating, engagement, and marriage, are you now ready for children?

We are talking about "planned parenthood" today. This is not a Catholic vs. Protestant issue. The Catholic Church and I agree on the need of and wisdom for the planning and spacing of children. If we disagree, it is at the point of method of birth control - artificial vs. natural methods.

I am raising the issue today of the readiness of a married couple for children. There are a lot of crazy reasons for having children: an income tax exemption, the family expect it of us, but the craziest of all reasons is "to strengthen our marriage." The thought here is, "a child will provide the glue to keep a crumbling marriage intact." Children place a great strain on a marriage relationship. They don't strengthen it.

The following are some suggestions that I have gleaned from going to the hospital to welcome newborns to parents who were ready for the wonderful event.

Those parents who were ready for the birth of their first child were couples who had time previously to do things young couples do who are not weighed down with responsibilities: spontaneous late night movies, visiting with friends on the spur of the moment, freedom to come and go.

Parents who were ready for their first child were couples who had established a growing relationship. They were well along the way in becoming adjusted to each other in matters of communication, conflict resolution, financial management, relationship to in-laws, sexual issues, religion, marital roles, leisure activities, personality issues, and expectations of each other. These issues become arenas for a life time of growth or battle. The couple that is ready for children is a couple that is growing in these areas.

Parents who are ready for their first child are able to share each other's time with the "newcomer" to the family. It is not unusual that fathers become jealous of the time his wife spends with the infant. Young fathers need to be ready to model strength, love, and order in the home, and to help with the care of the infant. They need to be prepared to postpone some spontaneous love-making. The "newcomer" will not mind interrupting. In fact he/she will NOT consider your taking care of his/her immediate needs an imposition.

Young mothers need to be prepared to be the primary care giver of the newborn. She needs to discipline her time so that the child does not take the place of the primary husband/wife relationship.

So what do you do when you find that you are going to be parents and you are not ready? YOU GET READY! You have seven to eight months to get ready. "Unplanned" does not have to mean "unwanted." When you find yourself with an unplanned pregnancy, you do what all adults do. You act responsibly. You get ready! You make sure that your surprise comes here loved, wanted, and delighted in.

Being ready for a child in the home is to be ready to invest huge amounts of time in the task of child rearing. And the investment continues for eighteen or more years. Bringing a child into the world is a lot more than a biological act. Make sure you are ready, or in seven months or so you get ready!