In last weeks column I spoke of dating, a time when adolescents begin the ritual which, in our culture, leads to marriage. Today I want us to think together about the timing for the next passage - engagement.

Engagement means different things in our society. For some, engagement is a commitment to prepare for marriage. For others, engagement is a period of time for the couple to see if they are matched well enough to get married. Apparently for some, it is just a time of giving/receiving a ring - a commitment to someone until something better comes along.

Engagement should serve a specific purpose. The primary purpose for the most healthy form of engagement is a commitment between two people who feel they honestly love each other enough to spend the rest of their lives together. In their dating they will probably have talked about marriage, but the giving and receiving of a ring is the public announcement. Everyone begins to look at the couple in the light of a coming marriage.

Eight years ago, my son-in-law came and asked my blessing before presenting my daughter with an engagement ring. He was not asking permission, but blessing. The blessing was something I could with joy give.

Engagement is the time for planning the wedding. This is also a wonderful time to invest in relationship growth. Begin to talk with your minister in premarital counseling. You do not need to wait until you are married to be intentional in growing in areas such as financial management, conflict resolution, relationships with in-laws, etc.

Let me throw out some guidelines. In our culture, a couple should not give/receive an engagement ring until they have finished high school. A high school diploma is minimal education to prepare a person for financial independence in our society today. There is more to my thinking, however. A person graduates from high school when they are eighteen. Teenagers are, as a whole not prepared to make lifetime commitments. I know that several of my readers will have been engaged and married in their teen years and are enjoying a great marriage. If that is you, you are the exception. Every year below 22 years of age that the engagement begins, the chance for marital failure goes up exponentially.

How long should the engagement period last? It needs to last long enough for the couple to have seen the "bad foot" of the other and determined that he/she can live with it. And it needs to last long enough for the family to be prepared to accept a new member. From my experience, a period of six to twelve months seems to be the ideal.

The engagement period is a time for HONESTY. This is a time to tell your fiancé if you have been involved in pre-marital sexual relations with someone else - if there has ever been a child, fathered or mothered by either - if there has been trouble with the law or the use of drugs. If a couple is unable to forgive the past and accept the present, then it is preferable to know before being married.

The engagement period is a period for complete FIDELITY. The kind of person who will cheat during the engagement period is a person who will cheat during the marriage. God's design of the two becoming one cannot happen without absolute fidelity.

Let the engagement period be focused on couple growth and it will be more than just marking time. Next week we will look at what constitutes being ready for marriage.