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Hollie Atkinson's column appears in the
Marshall
News Messenger every Saturday morning.
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January 11, 2002
Several years ago, Gail Sheehy made us aware of life's transitions in her book, Passages. There are passages through which we go with attendant stresses at the passage points.
The western idea of dating is one of the passages a family must face. Every family faces this passage at some point in the life of their children. The act of dating in the process of the selection of a mate is so much a part of our culture that I suspect that many of my readers would be surprised to know that the practice is not universal.
When is an adolescent ready for dating? In my observation, parents often hurry their adolescent by encouraging boy-girl activities before their youngster is ready. If their teen has not exhibited interest in the opposite sex by the time they are sixteen, some parents are concerned about whether their adolescent is normal.
Perhaps it would be helpful to speak of dating under three categories: group dating, double dating, and single dating. If these categories can be seen as steps in a process, a young person can learn about the opposite sex in non-threatening settings until they are mature enough to match freedom with responsibility.
Probably no single question has caused as much discussion and conflict in the modern family as, "When are you going to let me begin dating?" Lets look at the above categories and I will suggest some age guidelines.
GROUP DATING - This is dating when three or more boys get together with three or more girls in a home, at school functions, or at church under supervision. The activity is usually some form of recreation and though there is boy-girl participation, it is not couple participation. Church youth programs provide opportunities for non-threatening group dating that is well supervised. This level of dating, in my opinion, should not begin until junior high years, even though it may continue into university years. The difference between group dating among early teens and university students is at the point of supervision. Consider my suggestion of curfew and age only as guidelines. Curfew for this kind of dating should be 10:00 p.m. and beginning in the seventh grade, a person should not be allowed to move on the next level until they have finished the ninth grade.
DOUBLE DATING - This is dating where two boys and two girls participate in dating without supervision. Early on, transportation will need to be provided by parents or the older of the two couples. I realize that younger tenth and eleventh graders will be under a lot of pressure by their older peers. Consider this suggestion for this level - Curfew 11:00 p.m. (15 yr), 12:00 a.m. (16 yr), 1:00 a.m. (17 yr) with a limit of once a week at the beginning of this dating level, advancing to twice per week toward the end.
SINGLE DATING - This is dating where the boy picks up the girl at her house (sometimes it is the other way around), takes her to a movie or some other activity and returns her home without chaperone. They may meet other couples at the intended activity, but they arrive and leave alone. I would suggest that the minimum age for single dating ought to be sixteen or a junior in high school. Consider also a curfew of 12:00 a.m. (16yr) and 1:00 a.m. (17yr), with later times for special events. Dating should be averaged at twice per week.
How do you as a family establish your dating guidelines? Why not sit down and talk with your adolescent about what is fair? Listen to your child. You don't have to do what your child wants, just listen. Then draw up a written contract, and talk about it again. If parents and child can agree on a contract with penalties spelled out for choosing to break the contract, compliance is more likely. Sometimes it is comfortable for the adolescent if she/he knows what the schedule is and can communicate it to their peers.
I have a couple of other tricks up my sleeve. If you need help, give me a call at 903-938- 0262.
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