March 1, 2003

“Actions trump words!” I read the words and immediately accepted the statement as truth that needed no argument or support. It was as the framers of our Declaration of Independence said, “...we hold these truths to be self evident...”

I realize that the metaphor of actions “trumping” words will only make sense to my readers who play “42," “84,” “Spades,” or “Bridge” - which is probably everyone in East Texas.

Is this not true in all of life? For fifteen years, I filled the ears of my congregation with words - good words - helpful words - every Sunday. I doubt, however, that any of my former church members could pass an exam on recalling those words, but all of them would be able to give you their perspective of my actions lived out in our community.

We have a saying in East Texas with which all preachers are familiar: “You have to walk the walk if you want to talk the talk.” Why is this? It is because actions trump words!

Now think with me about how this truth applies to families. Words are important in family life. They encourage, build up, sooth, and make another person know how much they are valued, but if the words are not followed by appropriate actions, then the words are trumped by actions or lack thereof.

I have a fear that this column will be all the excuse that some will need to justify their reticence for declaring their affection. I can just hear it said: “I told you that I loved you when we got married. If I change my mind, I will let you know.” Horrible! Or maybe, just as deadening, “I don’t say romantic words, I show him that I love him by keeping a clean house, washing our clothes, cooking meals,” or “I bring my pay check home and that is the way my spouse and children know that I love them.” Disgraceful!

When I was a minister on college campuses back in the 1960's, I heard several young women say, “My father has never told me that he loved me. I know that he does, because he provides my family with all the things he did not have when he was a child, but, it would be wonderful to hear him say it.”

Moms and Dads, if you think you are tongue tied, find someone who can help you get your tongue moving, for the sake of the ones you claim to love - your spouse, your children, your family. Words are important. They disclose what is going on inside of us, but they will get trumped if they are not accompanied by appropriate actions.

“I’m sorry; please forgive me; I will try not to do that again.” These are powerful words for restoring relationships, but if there is not conscientious effort to change, then the words get trumped by action. 

When the values we teach our families with words are not the same values we teach with our actions, our action-values will trump our word-values every time. 

In family life, it must be BOTH words AND actions, never one or the other. Promises made to spouses or children are good, but promises that are not followed by performance are worthless. “Actions trump words!”