September 14, 2002 

Last Wednesday was the first anniversary of the attack on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon that took the lives of some three thousand of our citizenries. I listened most of the day to various expressions of our national grief. Husbands and wives lost life partners; children lost parents; parents lost children. We all lost our false sense of security. Two oceans and the world's strongest military cannot completely protect us from those dedicated to our destruction.

I was touched the most by the grieving of little children as they tried to make some sense out of their loss. Talking with children about the death of someone they loved is one of the most difficult things teachers, older family members, and church leaders are called upon to do.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, director of the Center for Loss and Life Transitions says: "If a child is old enough to love, they are old enough to grieve." At the time of the loss of a loved one, parents, teachers, and clergy have the opportunity not only to help the child learn about death, dying, and grief, but also about life, living, and loving.

Grieving is not an event; it is a process. The loss of someone you love is not something you "get over," it is something you learn to live with. I am often asked, "How long does it take to grieve?" My stock answer is, "It takes as long as it takes." And it usually takes a long time to learn to live with the loss.

It would be a mistake to assume that death means the same thing to all children in a particular age group. The following is an attempt to help us understand in a general way. PRESCHOOLERS usually think of death as reversible. They have not yet learned to think abstractly. They see cartoon characters get "flattened" and magically rise again.

SCHOOL AGES (kindergarten through fourth grade) have begun to realize that death is final. Death, however, is something that happens to others. It is not conceived as happening to them or to those closest to them.

MERGING ADOLESCENTS AND ADOLESCENTS are aware of the irreversibility of death and that all living things die. By this time they have usually lost friends and family in death.

Allow children to participate with the family in the time of death. Don't be concerned if children choose to go out and play after hearing of death. Sometimes, like adults, they are trying not to "feel." Play can be a temporary denial to keep from being overwhelmed by a pain they cannot absorb all at one time.

I am often asked: "At what age should a child attend a funeral?" I think if a child is old enough to attend a worship service with their parents, they are old enough to attend a funeral service and should. Help them before time by telling them what they will see. Describe the room. Tell them what will be done and how long it will last. Tell them why we have funerals - to honor and remember the person who has died.

Do not worry if you do not have an answer for every question a child has. It is more important to treat the question with the respect of listening than it is to have an answer. Questions like, "What do you think?" are often better than a ready answer.

Do not try to choke off children's grief and pain. Allow them to express their suffering. Hold them and let them cry. The main thing is to let children know you care. Children are often the forgotten mourners. It is important to remember that they too have deep feelings and would appreciate having someone with whom they can share.