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Hollie Atkinson's column appears in the
Marshall
News Messenger every Saturday morning.
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December 28, 2002
A couple of weeks before Christmas, I wrote about choosing to marry again after death of a spouse or divorce and a week before Christmas I addressed the challenge of
blending families.
As I was turning in my column on blending families, I realized that I had used "children from two or more marriages still in the home" as my definition of family. But, what about a couple choosing to marry after their children are grown and have left home? Are there challenges created by bringing together two sets of married children and two sets of grandchildren? The issues are different, but there are struggles to be dealt with even when your children are adults.
Timing is crucial in successfully blending families that are composed of adult children and grandchildren. Between the point when it is obvious that you are "getting serious" and the time of the marriage there needs to be enough time for your family to get "used to the idea." It would be a helpful for the parent to say to his/her children/grandchildren something like, "__________ and I are thinking of getting married and we would like to have your blessing if you can give it." You are not asking permission, but you are saying that it is important to you to carry existing relationships into a new life that is being planned.
If both sets of children and grandchildren have given their blessing to the marriage, it would be helpful to include and involve them in the ceremony. It is true, even in a first marriage, that you are not just joined to an individual, you are joined to his/her existing family. Your minister can help you find appropriate ways to include your children and grandchildren in the ceremony.
Be sensitive to the anxiety that will be produced by the fear that your marriage will diminish the time that you spend with your family. Grandchildren, depending on their ages will be concerned about holiday visits - their visiting you and your visiting them. Talk openly about your plans for managing holiday schedules. Think carefully about what you wished to be called by your step family members. Addressing these issues openly will help to reduce apprehensions.
A major concern for your children/grandchildren will be your estate. Trust me there will be an issue here even if you are told "No problem! You worked hard for what you have and how you spend it at the end of your life is of no concern to us."
A big road block in securing your desired blessing from your children/grandchildren can be avoided by a trip to your attorney prior to asking for your familys blessing. Let your attorney help you devise a way to live on your estate and then at your death, to insure that the estate goes to the children and grandchildren from your previous marriage. Tension will be reduced when you ask for your familys blessing if you can say, "_________ and I have gone to our attorneys and we have created trusts that will insure that at our deaths, our estates will go to our respective families."
Blending families is a tricky business! But loneliness in the last fifteen to thirty years of your life is still "not good" (Genesis 2:18). The companionship created by successfully blended families is a blessing that is worth the all the effort it takes to create it.
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