December 14, 2002

The 1960's sitcom, "The Brady Bunch," has perpetuated a myth that has gotten more than one couple in trouble when they decided to BLEND FAMILIES. Even if a real family had all of the accruements of the Bradys (big house with lots of space, a stay-at-home mom and a full-time maid), the outcome of all living happily ever after would still be a myth.

Drs. John and Emily Visher, California psychiatrist and psychologist, have been particularly helpful in raising issues and proposing helpful suggestions in the area of step families and step parenting. They have reported that one in four children in the United States is a stepchild. A lot of people are choosing to blend families even in the face of the fact that 40% of second marriages fail within the first 5 years and the presence of children from previous marriages constitute a major factor in the failure of the second marriage.

IF YOU CHOOSE TO BLEND FAMILIES there are some things you can do from the outset that can help. You can be realistic in your expectations. Realize that step parenting is more complicated than simple parenting. When both adults bring children into a new marriage, there is a quantum leap as far as complexity is concerned---more children, more grandparents, more opportunities for jealousies and more varieties of alliances. The following are some examples of what I mean in being realistic:

Recognize that LOVING RELATIONSHIPS TAKE TIME. Instant love is not possible because caring relationships take time to develop. Caring has a much better chance to develop if there is no pressure to feel a certain way. Give feelings time to develop. Don't demand expressions (verbal and physical) that would be phony with the relationship at its present level.

Realize that everyone comes to the new family with PAST FAMILY HISTORIES. Household rules and traditions which previously were taken for granted are now called into question. Should children be allowed to talk on the phone before homework is done? How should the eggs be cooked? Should the Christmas tree be large? small? artificial? cut? green? white? Realize that there are a lot of "right and only" ways to do the simplest of tasks in blended families. Try celebrating differences by alternating or taking some from each tradition. It is important that every family member be heard as the family negotiates new traditions and rules.

Understand that PARENT-CHILD BONDS PREDATE THE NEW COUPLE RELATIONSHIP. In first marriages, partners have opportunity for couple bonding to be solid before children appear on the scene. With blended families, there is no honeymoon. The couple bond can seem very fragile in the face of a demanding parent-child relationships. Couples need to give themselves and the members of the family time and space needed to relate to each other. Interesting and fun things can be done as families, couples, or in twos and threes. Don't demand that all things be done as a total group.

Admit that the task is overwhelming. SEEK SUPPORT from others who are trying to blend families. When couples have only themselves to talk to, their stress has less chance of dissipating and the pressures can build to the point of harming or even destroying the step family. Invite two or three couples from blending-families to meet with you once a month to talk about concerns related to step families. Perhaps these might be couples you know through your church. Talk with your pastor. Secure his help and counsel.

BLENDING FAMILIES, admittedly is challenging and difficult. The result, however, is rewarding. Blended families are often something beautiful created on the ashes of loss. The potential is worth your finest effort. God bless you!