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April 14, 2001
Today's subject of managing anger is the second
in a two part article dealing with anger and the family. Last week
I wrote of the inevitability of anger in families where closeness
was being experienced. If you missed last week’s column, you can
read it on my web site - www.FamiliesMatter.net.
Let's think together about managing that which
we cannot avoid. The way I find most people trying to manage their
anger is by SUPPRESSING IT. You suppress your anger when
you push it beneath the surface and go on with your affairs as if
the anger never happened. While this method of managing anger is
helpful in some social situations, it serves poorly as a mode of
operation. There are times and situations in which safety or
social acceptability will dictate that we "stuff our
anger."
The problem with suppressing is that anger will
not "stay stuffed." It will find expression. Often times
a child gets a spanking that really belongs to an employer, valued
friend, or authority figure in our society. When we make a habit
of suppressing our anger we are likely to deliver a lot of
emotional mail to someone other than the addressee. If you use
this management technique, use it sparingly.
VENTING ANGER was a popular way of dealing
with anger in the l960's. With the Vietnam War as a background,
young adults experienced a lot of anger over being forced to
participate in a war with which they were not in agreement. Coming
out of that era were interpersonal relationship groups where folk
were encouraged to sit and vent their anger. Where this management
technique may be helpful in a therapy setting, it is less
desirable in the everyday workings of a family. I call this
technique "emotional vomiting." While it is beneficial
to flush out ones anger, those who are the recipients of the
dumping, tire rather quickly. In a family setting, the constant
use of venting becomes harmful to the establishing of intimate,
warm, relationships.
There is another way to manage anger. My wife
and I learned of this way in our contact with the Association of
Couples for Marriage Enrichment (ACME). This organization, founded
by David and Vera Mace, teaches DISSOLVING as a way of
managing anger between husband and wife. Dissolving anger, or
"turning off the switch", is different than suppressing.
You can "turn off the switch" if you can see that there
is no cause or need for your anger. Here is an example: You are
frightened by a bear. Your adrenalin begins to flow. You are
prepared for the fight of your life. Now you discover the shadow
following you is not a bear, but a brown paper bag carried along
by the wind. Your body gets an immediate signal, "no need for
anger," it then calms down in relief, and returns to normal
when it discovers that its anger is inappropriate. The imagined
need for anger is just that---imagined. Inappropriate anger can be
cleared up by simply "turning off the switch".
While it is appropriate to be angry with that
which threatens to destroy me i.e. my enemies, my spouse is not my
enemy. He/she is my lover. Here are the steps taught by ACME for
dissolving anger in a marriage.
STEP 1: Each spouse gives the other
permission to be angry with him/her. It is OK to be angry so long
as the angry person makes it known as soon as he/she is aware of
it. As soon as the person is aware of anger, something like this
is said: "Look, I am getting very angry!" You can learn
to do this as easily as you say: "I'm getting tired," or
"I'm hungry." When my spouse is hungry I want to get her
something to eat. When she is tired, I want to create a quiet
atmosphere where she can rest. When she is angry I want to help
her deal with it.
STEP 2: Each spouse pledges to the other
that under no circumstance will he/she attack the other. Attacking
and counter-attacking is unprofitable in a love relationship that
has intimacy as a goal. When I know that I am not going to be
attacked, I can put down my defenses and come out of my
bunker---an act necessary if anger is to be dissolved.
STEP 3: Step three is a request for help.
The angry person asks for help in dealing with his/her anger. The
non-angry spouse knows that he/she will not be attacked, knows
that he/she needs no defense, therefore he/she can become an
active listener helping the angry spouse get behind the anger.
Try steps 1-3...try them again. Keep trying
them until they become natural. You have spent years cutting the
ruts you are presently in. Do not think you will be successful in
climbing out and staying out without a lot of effort. KEEP WORKING
AT IT! The reward for creatively dealing with your
anger---INTIMACY---is surely worth the effort.
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