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April 21, 2001
NOTE: Last week’s column should be read following this
weeks column. To read last week’s column, go to the web site,
www.Families Matter.net, and click on the column dated "April
14."
Psychologist and marriage therapist, David Mace was bold when
he said: "Marriages fail because they fail to achieve
intimacy. They fail to achieve intimacy because of the inability
of persons to deal creatively with their anger." (Love and
Anger in Marriage, Zondervan, l982).
All of us need intimacy. We need closeness with another. In
fact, we are driven to it. The Biblical revelation speaks to the
importance of intimacy when it says: "God said, it is not
good that the man should be alone; I will make a helper fit for
him." (Genesis 2:18, RSV).
Intimacy must be paid for with the coinage of vulnerability. To
achieve intimacy, defenses must be removed, and we must allow
ourselves to be known. We cannot be known without revealing
ourselves and when we reveal ourselves we become vulnerable.
God created marriage to banish the aloneness that each of us
feels in himself/herself. To be fully known and deeply loved by
another is to allow yourself to be vulnerable in his/her presence.
Many marriages go the distance---50 years, or more, or
"until death do us part." Some of these marriages settle
for far less than God intended because they are unable---because
they are unwilling to be vulnerable. Unresolved anger is often the
culprit. Few of us are brave enough to come out of our bunkers
unprotected in a battle zone.
It may appear that I am suggesting that anger is bad. Nothing
could be further from the truth. The fact is, anger is a God-given
emotion. It is neither good nor bad. It simply is. How we use it;
how we express it can either be helpful or harmful.
Anger is the appropriate emotion when our well being is
threatened. When we sense we are in danger, a God-provided change
automatically comes over us. Adrenalin begins to flow and we have
extra strength for "flight or fight." It is an emotion
that is appropriate for our enemies. It is inappropriate, however,
for our lovers---those with whom we want to be intimate. It blocks
us in our goal of knowing and being known.
When anger's power to damage and destroy is broken, two people
can return to vulnerability and intimacy. One way to reduce
anger's power is to get behind the emotion. Anger is a secondary
emotion. When we get behind our anger, we discover that there is
always a primary emotion such as fear, frustration, etc. that
triggers anger.
When we get behind our anger we usually find one of two
situations. FIRST, I became angry with my mate because I
misinterpreted what he/she was doing or saying. First of all, I
owe him/her an apology for misunderstanding him/her. Then I need
to work harder at learning to interpret his/her messages. SECOND,
I became angry at my mate because I was pushed beyond my tolerance
limit. All of us have limits to what we are able to tolerate. We
must allow our mates to have limits to their tolerance. It might
be worthy for all of us to seek to expand our toleration limits,
but when we push a mate beyond his/her limit, we need to apologize
and attempt not to cross that limit again.
When anger no longer has power to damage and destroy, the
couple can return to being vulnerable before each other. You may
hear a couple say: "We like to fight because it is so much
fun making up." It may be that they have learned to get
behind the secondary emotion of anger, break its destructive
power, and move into a new world of closeness, warmth, and
tenderness.
If your anger seems unmanageable, seek help from one of our
helping professionals.
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